Mike McClement (Think Confidence)

Just a note to say that my new blog can be found at mikemcclement.blogspot.com

Loads more handy tips on self-confidence, self-belief, self-esteem and motivation

See you there!

Mike

Happy Christmas!

Just a thought – now’s the time to start thinking about the NEW YOU. 

See next year as the year of change … what didn’t you do this year that you SHOULD have done? Don’t let next year pass by as last year did.

It will though before you know it unless you have a plan. Write down some objectives you’d like to achieve, then think about whether or nor you have the weaponry to achieve them. No good challenging yourself if you haven’t got the tools to achieve. Don’t go diving without oxygen.

SELF-CONFIDENCE could well be the main tool you  lack. The good news is that you can learn the skill of confidence, just like you learned to ride a bike.

HOW? get in touch if you’d like more advice.

Good Luck and have a great Christmas. More tips on self-confidence and setting objectives to come in the NewYear.

Mike

www.thinkconfidence.com

I met a a person yesterday who gave the initial impression of being very confident. Strong voice, good posture, positive approach – however, his eye contact was very poor …. he just didn’t seem to be able to look me in the eye. So, my lasting impression of him was just not good. What a shame; such a small thing with significantly negative results.

So, try to look people in the eye in order to make the very best first impression.

For more tips got to www.thinkconfidence.com

Cheers

Mike

Is your perception of yourself the same as the perception others have of you? Quite often not …. find out more about this by going to http://www.think-confidence.com/questionnaires.html 

There are 3 questionnaires – 2 to complete yourself and 1 for others to complete about YOU!!

Have a go!

Mike

Hi

There’s just one place left on my Assertiveness Course running for the day in Central London on 5 May. Restaurant lunch is included for the discount price of £199. It would be great to meet you. Go to www.thinkconfidence.com or call 01364 649155.

Mike

To feel confident and in control of your life, you need to know what drives you; you need to know what makes you tick. Knowing what you actually need to keep you enthusiastic about life is an essential component of personal motivation. Knowing what you need is much more important than just knowing what you want. Needs are essential requirements, wants are desirables. There’s a significant difference here in relation to feeling and being confident. 

In simple terms – if you don’t get what you want, you’ll probably feel sorry for yourself and perhaps frustrated. That’s not great but it isn’t the end of the world though – you should still be able to overcome this with self-discipline. However, if you don’t get what you need, you’ll come to a grinding halt.

Below is a list of ten aspects of life that people feel are important to them. Look through them and think about them in terms of what you need in life, not so much in terms of what you want. Most people know themselves well enough to be able to differentiate between the two. Then rank each aspect of life in terms of its importance to you; mark the most important as 1 through to the least important, 10. If you want to discuss your answers with someone else, don’t do this until you’ve completed it, otherwise they might distract you from your personal thoughts.

_____  Enjoyment

_____  Interesting work

_____  Religion

_____  Salary

_____  Personal development & learning

_____  Recognition & appreciation

_____  Job security

_____  Family

_____  Ambition

_____  Friends & relationships

Each individual is different; understanding which of these are most important to you personally is essential. Knowing this will help you to get your true priorities in order. Once you know this, you’ll have a clearer focus and you’ll be able to shape your life to accommodate it. If you don’t know what drives you and keeps you motivated, you can’t aspire to it and you can’t provide it. If you can’t provide it, you’ll end up in a downward spiral. It’s impossible to maintain a positive mindset if you’re not getting what you need in life to keep you enthusiastic and motivated.

Most people have a rough idea of where their orientation tends to be. Be careful though, don’t make any presumptions – you might be surprised to find that, deep down, you need something different to what you originally thought; so …. it could be that you’re not getting it – simply because you didn’t know you needed it. Your mental attitude will suffer if this happens.

It’s just as bad to feed yourself constantly with something you don’t actually need. That would be like putting unleaded petrol in a diesel engine. You’ll cause some serious damage; ultimately your engine seizes and you break down. It’s also a huge waste of time and effort – time you could have spent filling up with the right fuel and driving where you want to go.

For more tips on feeling more confident and achieving a healthy work / life balance, go to www.thinkconfidence.com

Good Luck

Mike

Do you struggle to say what you think, say No or stand up for yourself?

Assertiveness is having the confidence to do this and not to worry about what the other person will think of you. Being assertive means putting your point of view across but also having the humility and patience to listen to the views of others.

Assertive people have overcome any possible hurdles in their mindset that may hinder their ability to be assertive. Assertiveness means having the confidence to think positively, even when the chips are down. Assertive people also continually remind themselves that they have as much right as anyone else to speak.

If you’re a passive person who gives in a lot or avoids conflict, you’ll need to work hard at this. People often come up with negative comments such as those listed below when explaining why they struggle with assertiveness.

Would your reply be the same as any of these if you were asked to answer the question; ‘I don’t like the idea of being assertive because ….’

‘People won’t respect me’ – This couldn’t be further from the truth. Try to think of people you know who speak their mind assertively. Do you disrespect them? I’d be very surprised if your answer is yes. My experience is that people have more, not less, respect for those who stand up for themselves and voice their opinion (as long as their message is presently politely). This is because you know where you stand with people who speak their mind assertively.

‘People will think I’m a negative person’ – They won’t think you’re a negative person as long as you use positive language to explain your position. Don’t whinge, complain or criticise negatively. Don’t make any presumptions regarding the assimilation of your message. If people know clearly the reasoning behind your point of view and the positives that may come from it, they shouldn’t see you as a negative person. In fact, they’ll see you as an assertive person.

‘People will think I’m selfish’ – No one will think you’re selfish if you show that you care. Yes, put your point of view across, but don’t forget to show your passive side. People need to feel that you respect their opinion. To do this you have to let them share their thoughts with you. You also have to listen. Assertive people also keep an open mind – it could be that the other person says something that changes your opinion.

‘People will think I’m a bully’ – They won’t see you as a bully if you share your thoughts professionally and politely. Only aggressive people are seen as bullies. Your body language and physical presence makes a massive difference here.

‘People will dislike me’ – As long as you present your thoughts in a considered, sensitive and honest way (and not aggressively), most people would prefer to hear them than not. This is true even when they may disagree with you. They prefer to know what you’re thinking rather than suspect that you’re harbouring misgivings or not telling them something. They’re more likely to dislike you for this than they are for presenting your thoughts to them confidently and assertively. So, try to set aside these demons. Don’t forget – true assertiveness requires you to share your wants, needs and concerns. Assertive people know this and use it effectively to influence others.

For more handy tips and advice and information about confidence building courses and assertiveness courses go to  http://www.thinkconfidence.com 

Our website dedicated to Confidence Building and Assertiveness

You might not think it but what you say can have a massive impact on other peoples’ perception of you. How you speak can also make a difference to how positive (or negative) you actually feel. Some people really struggle to come to terms with this. Confident people speak positive language. This helps them to stay positive in their mental attitude.

A good example of this is people who have a habit of saying sorry when an apology just isn’t appropriate. Don’t get me wrong here – I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t ever say sorry; I’m just suggesting that there’s a time and place. Some people have a habit of saying sorry when it just isn’t appropriate. Saying sorry unnecessarily sends negative signals to your mind. It also communicates a submissive message to the other person. It isn’t a positive and confident action and therefore it isn’t conducive to developing self-belief and self-confidence. If taken to an extreme it can also lead to feelings of insecurity and inferiority. If you’re perceived by others as being over apologetic, you’ll find yourself on the back foot all the time. This just doesn’t help when you’re trying to get the other person to listen to your point of view.

So, don’t say sorry unless it would be impolite not to or unless you’ve actually hurt or offended someone. Confident people are polite but only say sorry when an apology is warranted.

Here’s a question for you – when someone asks you a question like ‘how are you’ or ‘how are things going’ – what do you say in reply? Think carefully about this because you probably have a standard reply regardless of how you’re actually feeling.

So, how about being more positive the next time someone greets you and asks how things are going – try saying ‘good thanks’ or if you really want to push the boat out ‘really good thanks’. You’ll be amazed at how much more positive you start to feel, simply by speaking positive language. You might think this sounds ridiculous but it really does work – you’ll have to try it to see.

Of course, not alone do you feel more positive – the person you’re talking to sees you as a positive person and will subconsciously register this. The person is much more likely to want to help you, work with you, socialise with you, listen to you … and the list goes on.

So, start practising your new reply when someone asks you how you are. Keep practising because breaking an old habit is never easy. Watch the person’s face carefully – you’ll see a more positive reaction from now on! This is bound to help you to stay positive yourself. And of course, a knock-on effect of this will be a boost in your self-confidence.

You might have read these points about negative language and thought it’s not relevant to you. You wouldn’t be the first person to do this – a word of warning here; be careful …. don’t presume you don’t think and speak negatively because sometimes people just can’t see or hear it in themselves. Apologising unnecessarily or giving a negative reply when asked how you are are just two examples of negative language. So how can you find out if you’re coming across negatively to people?

Try asking a good friend or relation to help you here. Ask them to tell you every time you say something negative – You might get a surprise! Give them some feedback on their language as well of course – they might learn something they didn’t know too.

Once you know if you have a habit of saying something in particular, make a conscious effort to listen to yourself while you’re speaking. This should help you to kick the habit.

Worrying is something else that I find hinders people in terms of self-confidence and self-belief. We all worry on occasions, it’s only natural. However, some people are able to control there worries and not let them interfere with their lives to any great extent. It’s true that some people are more ‘easygoing’ than others but even they worry on occasions. Unfortunately, if you’re a ‘natural worrier’, you’ll have to work harder on this than they might.

Controlling the affect that worrying has on your mental attitude is a vital component of maintaining a positive mindset and feeling more confident. The simple way to do this is to have the self-discipline to keep your worries in proportion.

Natural worriers always have to have something to worry about. If there’s nothing major to worry about in their life at the time, they’ll worry about something small.

Try to get your worries in perspective. Think about the worst thing that could possibly happen, then scale down and down again. Think about what’s worrying you right at this very moment while you’re reading this. Is it really that bad? Confident people get their worries in proportion.

Thinking positively really can make a difference to your self-confidence. Confident people see a problem as a challenge to be solved rather than a barrier to be overcome. They know whether they are optimists or pessimists. If they were towards pessimism, they know what they need to do to remain positive in their mindset.
Confident people have the self-discipline to eliminate negative thoughts. Would you describe yourself as an optimist or a pessimist?

Think carefully about this because it’s a fact that you really can help yourself to feel more confident by becoming more optimistic and thinking more positively. Here are a few simple ideas to get you started;

Each night before you go to bed, try writing down three positive things that happened or that you did during the day. This will help you to keep them in the forefront of your mind. Do this every night for the foreseeable future.

Some people find it helpful to buy a small notebook for this. This will make it easier to keep the list together and to reflect on the positives you record. It won’t be long before you have a concerted list. Use this list to remind yourself regularly of the positives in your life. This is one small exercise that will help to keep you thinking positively.

Come to terms with where you stand here. If you tend to think negatively, don’t let it happen. When a negative thought comes into your mind, be aware of it, then try to replace it with a constructive one. The negative thought probably won’t go away easily, so persevere each time it enters your mind; make sure you replace it with a positive one every time it happens. Eventually your mind will learn how to think positively and ignore negative thoughts.

Try to do this even when your life isn’t going as you would like it to or when you’re worried about something. This will be the hardest time to think positively because negative thoughts will be most prominent. Train your mind to expect only positive results – believe that, at some point, your life will change for the better. You can speed this process up if you really want to. So, write it down every time a negative thought comes into your mind. Sometimes you don’t realise how much you’re doing it until you actually see it in black and white.

Don’t forget that positive and negative thinking are contagious. A negative attitude can show itself in your body language. This tends to happen on a subconscious level but can still have a significant impact on others. For example, in the social environment, confident people don’t tend to want to be around negative thinkers because they find them depressing; they find positive people more exciting and interesting. So – negative thinking can have an impact on your friendships and ultimately your social life too.

Your work-life can also be dramatically affected; negative people don’t tend to be seen as confident people who have potential and therefore are less likely to be promoted. Just think about it – how many successful business people do you know who think negatively? The answer must surely be none.

So – stop negative thinking; if you think you’re going to fail, you’ll feel like a failure; if you feel like a failure, you will fail.

Of course, if you think more positively, the likelihood is that your message will be more positive when you speak it; that should come naturally. Watch out though because you could have a habit of saying things that aren’t helping you.

http://www.think-confidence.com
Website dedicated to confidence building – loads more advice on how negative people communicate, self-confidence tips and also advice on positive thinking. Also information about confidence building courses.

Regards

Mike

The key to saying no is to be able to say no without saying no! Believe it or not it is possible to do this … People who are good at saying no are able to say no without feeling guilty. They don’t let their heart rule their mind. 

People who lack confidence find themselves continually under pressure because they accommodate others and say yes whenever a request is made of them. They might be lovely helpful people but the bottom line is that they can be terribly inefficient simply because they just can’t say no to someone. The difficulty is that once you’re seen by others as a ‘Yes person’, you become a magnet for them. They’ll turn to you first when they need something done. You then end up doing other peoples’ jobs, not your own, simply because you couldn’t say no. 

Think of people you know who have the confidence to say no when appropriate. The term ‘when appropriate’ is important here – you’re thinking of people who have achieved the right balance i.e. people who say yes when they think it’s right to do so, but also have the confidence to say no too.

Would you describe any of these people you’ve thought of as negative, uncooperative or selfish just because on occasions they say no to a request? I would guess not because they’ve got the balance right. They’ll accommodate and help when appropriate and have the confidence to say no to someone when necessary. 

So, try to remember – there’s nothing negative about saying no. Here are some saying no tips; 

• It’s easy to get into the habit of saying yes but, with practice, you can get out of it by taking some simple steps; 
• Don’t give the person an answer there and then (it may not seem possible but this is possible in 99% of situations – you need to try it to find out).
• Tell the person you need a little time to consider their request. Try to grab as much time as possible. Even a few seconds is better than nothing. An hour or longer is ideal (by then they might have found someone else to do the job anyway). Make sure you tell the person when you will give them an answer.

 During the time you’ve bought yourself, consider the following;

• Is this a job I should be doing or is this person just trying to get me to do it because they don’t want to do it themselves?
• If the request is work related – Does it fall under my role and responsibility?
• If I say yes, how will doing this extra job affect my other priorities?
• If I say no, how am I going to tell the person this confidently and sensitively? 

These steps should help you to make a balanced decision. You might only need a couple of minutes or less to do this for simple requests. For more complicated requests, try to buy as much time as possible.

For more saying no tips and loads more about building your confidence go to http://www.thinkconfidence.com

Good Luck!     

Mike